long due

i've always been nothing but nice to people.i treat people with the respect and kindness they deserve. the adjective that is used most frequently to describe me is sweet. that's why i never understand why people treat me rudely or with disrespect. especially, the people whom i care about the most. 

i tried not to communicate with my guy friend for a few days. i wanted to see if i was worth enough for him to overcome his stubbornness and pride, but apparently I wasn't. I caved, as usual, and texted him, basically saying that I just wanted to see if i'd ever pop into his mind.

the response i got was unwarranted. rather than a "sorry, i've been busy," or a "you know i keep you in my thoughts," or even a "i don't feel that way about you any more," i got a "wtf is with this unnecessary drama. why are you saying this shit? for future reference this stuff always pushes people away, always." wow.i stayed true to who i am, held back my dissapointment and frustration, and sent him a kind message explaining that i was sorry that it seemed like drama, but it was just me being open and honest with him, the two traits he had always told me admired the most about me. 

if he thinks my feelings are "unnecessary drama," why should i be his friend? i'm such a nice person that sometimes i let people walk all over me. it's not something i'm proud of, but i'm working on it. i don't deserve to be treated or spoken to this way. if all you're doing is taking a summer class and hanging out with your friends, and i'm not "worth your time" and you have "much more important things to do" than you aren't worth my time.

if anyone ever says "i don't deserve you" there is probably some ounce of truth or reasoning behind their statement. remember that. i wish i hadn't brushed it off, because now i'm starting to see what he meant. 
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i wrote that last post on june 27. it is so frantic and disorganized. i really had to think twice about putting it up. i ended up doing it because i want all of my thoughts to be in one place. also, when things start going back to how they were, i'm not going to let myself forget about this moment. It reminds me a lot of the movie 500 days of summer. while in the relationship he sees all the great things, but after they break up he takes a closer look and sees that it wasn't all that great. there was some pretty ugly stuff hiding behind a few perfect moments. when my relationship with my friend improves, which i know it will when i get back to college, i'm not going to let the good times overshadow the bad times. i'm going to use pain to improve myself :)