Wednesday, August 31, 2011
pretty girl
this song succinctly summarizes how i felt/feel about what i wrote about in my last post.
facing your fears
i haven't written for awhile. i keep tying to think of excuses for why i haven't written. here's what i got:
i'm busy with work
i'm busy packing
i'm busy moving in
i'm busy with school
but then i realized what it honestly was. i don't want to deal with taking the time to organize and write down my emotions and thoughts and acknowledge what happened to my relationship with my guy friend.
it's crumbed. there i said it.
one day he stopped texting me and then didn't text me back for three weeks. then when i got back to college he didn't even come see me the day i got back. i basically had to beg him to come see me the next night. we barely talked. it was civil.
i texted him that i missed hanging out/being goofy/ and chatting with my best friend. he texted me back 4 hours later saying he was reading. really?
finally we started im'ing. this is where i felt like i was stabbed with a knife:
Me:
he basically went on to say he was over me and blame me for things that happened this summer, and conclude with the fact that we could hanging out, but just not like last year.
we started talking like normal again and that's when the cherry was placed on the top.
i was a bit shaken up and crying from the ordeal. i asked him for one thing, a hug. i even said i would walk over and not say a word. he couldn't even give me that. a simple 5 second hug. he let me sit outside alone for thirty minutes. last year he wouldn't even let me walk alone anywhere at night.
to my best friend, i'm not an option. i'm a priority. so clearly we are no longer best friends.
the hardest pill to swallow is that my roommate was right all along. our friendship was the most important thing to me, but his intentions were the most important thing to him. once he was "over me" a friendship wasn't worth the time.
the past few days had been rough. i was having nightmares about it, but what can i do? i can realize what an amazing friend i was to him. i brought him soup and made him chocolate covered strawberries when he was sick. i made him hot coco when he came back from a cold night. i made him dinner and shared my favorite movie with him. i sent him a birthday present. i invited him over to my house, cooked dinner for him, and let him sit with my family. i wrote him numerous letters and made him many friendship bracelets. what i regret the though, is that i always let him push me physically. that's the reason this hurts the most. sometimes i would cry right in front of him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable, but he continued to do it. i kept telling myself, my roommate, and boyfriend that he was still a good person, but in retrospect a good person wouldn't hurt someone they loved or cared about they way he did. sometimes, even an outfit i wore one of those nights brings back painful and shameful memories. i'll never be able to escape those moments or forget about them.
this is something he messaged me in november 2009:
i'm busy with work
i'm busy packing
i'm busy moving in
i'm busy with school
but then i realized what it honestly was. i don't want to deal with taking the time to organize and write down my emotions and thoughts and acknowledge what happened to my relationship with my guy friend.
it's crumbed. there i said it.
one day he stopped texting me and then didn't text me back for three weeks. then when i got back to college he didn't even come see me the day i got back. i basically had to beg him to come see me the next night. we barely talked. it was civil.
i texted him that i missed hanging out/being goofy/ and chatting with my best friend. he texted me back 4 hours later saying he was reading. really?
finally we started im'ing. this is where i felt like i was stabbed with a knife:
Me:
- i just want my best friend back honestly
- i miss you, but i dont know what what you want from me. it's kind of been eating away at me
- i miss looking at houses with you. i miss wrestling with you. i miss watching jersey shore with you.
- i miss making fun of fat people with you. i miss psuedo-studying with you.
- and maybe i shouldn't have said any of that, but it's true.
- no comment to that?
he basically went on to say he was over me and blame me for things that happened this summer, and conclude with the fact that we could hanging out, but just not like last year.
we started talking like normal again and that's when the cherry was placed on the top.
i was a bit shaken up and crying from the ordeal. i asked him for one thing, a hug. i even said i would walk over and not say a word. he couldn't even give me that. a simple 5 second hug. he let me sit outside alone for thirty minutes. last year he wouldn't even let me walk alone anywhere at night.
to my best friend, i'm not an option. i'm a priority. so clearly we are no longer best friends.
the hardest pill to swallow is that my roommate was right all along. our friendship was the most important thing to me, but his intentions were the most important thing to him. once he was "over me" a friendship wasn't worth the time.
the past few days had been rough. i was having nightmares about it, but what can i do? i can realize what an amazing friend i was to him. i brought him soup and made him chocolate covered strawberries when he was sick. i made him hot coco when he came back from a cold night. i made him dinner and shared my favorite movie with him. i sent him a birthday present. i invited him over to my house, cooked dinner for him, and let him sit with my family. i wrote him numerous letters and made him many friendship bracelets. what i regret the though, is that i always let him push me physically. that's the reason this hurts the most. sometimes i would cry right in front of him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable, but he continued to do it. i kept telling myself, my roommate, and boyfriend that he was still a good person, but in retrospect a good person wouldn't hurt someone they loved or cared about they way he did. sometimes, even an outfit i wore one of those nights brings back painful and shameful memories. i'll never be able to escape those moments or forget about them.
this is something he messaged me in november 2009:
"i wouldn’t forget you if i didn’t see you for several years [my name]... uve done things to me that have never been done to me before, challenged me in ways I’ve never been challenged before. ive never felt so close to a girl so quickly and become so comfortable around her and appreciated someone so much so quickly... i wouldn’t forget you
okay... ive been trying and trying to keep from saying this, but i like you so so much [my name]... i HATE putting myself in this vulnerable position, especially given the circumstance, but i just have to let you know. i tell you a lot... but i seriously like you more than you understand. not to be creepy, but i am always thinking about you. And i promise you i wouldnt forget you no matter what. it honestly makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about not seeing you for so long.. cuz i hate not seeing you after only a few days
this honestly really scares me... im so rarely scared and feeling like this, but i dont even know what to do.. i cant help it. and i like you more and more all the time, with you or not."
how could he have said all these things and then sudden change his mind in one month?
the obvious answer is that he's changed. he even said that when i spoke to him last night. he's changed. if one things going to make this hurt less, it's that. this isn't the same guy who i was best friends with last year. this is a whole new person.
at least know i know who he is and where we stand. i'm proud of the person who i am, the things i say, the the actions i take. that's the best anyone can do. here's to making new friends and great success. you need a little bad in your life sometimes to see the good.
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