never gonna leave this bed

i want a love like this.

oh, and adam levine is smoking hot.

the guyfriend

i've been holding off on posting because i had way too many thoughts and emotions going on. oh, and working and commuting for over 60 hours a week doesn't make it any easier.

so this "guy friend" is really the cause of all of my problems. i honestly don't even want to talk about this, but i think it'll help me out in the long run. i'll just call him david.

i met david at the start of my sophomore year. i was going to a highlighter party with one of my school friends, "helga." as soon as i opened this door, the tan muscular guy i had seen in helga's recent facebook album popped out of now where and started talking to me. "alright, ill let this guy prove to me he isn't the deuche he appears to be." we chatted for a bit, but helga had a game plan. she wanted to get with him. the obvious way to kill my connection with David was to ask when my boyfriend was visititng. typical helga move, but nbd.

at the party i witnessed some extreme ass grabbing. so much for not judging a book by its cover. this kid was a deuche. i mean, he wrote his name in capital letters at the bottom of my white shirt, was so wasted and high, and kept pulling up his shirt to show off his tan six pack. cool.

whatever, i add him on facebook, and a few days letter invited helga, him and some other people over to my apartment. he didn't really give helga the attention she was craving. actually, he spent most of his time talking to me.

things started to change quickly. he started telling me all the time about how pretty i looked or how sweet i was. he spoke like he was reading off quotes from the notebook all the time, but i'm a sucker for all that shit.

he told me he liked me. he knew i had a boyfriend. everyone around us could feel the energy between us. it was so obvious. i had been played so many times, and i needed to know what his deal was, so i talked to his bestfriend. his bestfriend said great things about him, but did warn me that at times he could be a bit of a player. he was looking out for me. he didn't want me to get hurt.

i decided we could continue our relationship and keep it completely platonic. how dumb was i? we spent more and more time together. we texted non-stop, and we facebook messaged for hours. this train couldn't be stopped. a crash was imminent.

one day we were just chilling in his room and i have no idea what happened, but he started to kiss on me. i freaked out, cried, and went home. i didn't kiss him back, but i felt like a complete cheater. for some reason, this train kept going even after the crash? our relationship defied logic and rationality.

however, it was taking a toll on my long distance relationship. i was so confused. this kid was a complete sweet heart. he treated me so well and said the nicest things. he always made me feel beautiful and special, which isn't really my boyfriend's strength. the abs were just the cherry on top. i started second guessing my choice to be with my high school sweet heart. i can't believe our relationship made it through all those months.

my boyfriend and i fought numerous times about him, but my boyfriend is very easy going, and him and david ended up being friends until the second time david got very agressive with me. now my boyfriend pretty much despises david but respects my choice to be friends with him.

here i am. its summer. i don't know what to think. i thought david really cared about me, but we barely talk, and when we do we're usually fighting. i guess its out of sight out of mind for him. i guess that's ok, but if he really loved me like he told me a million times, would this be happening? if you love someone, should something like distance make you forget them? it hasn't made me forget or stop thinking about him.

actions speak louder than words. based on his words he cares about me more than anyone else in the world. based on his actions i'm worthless. he wont spend 10 mins skyping with me. he wont take 5 minutes to call me. he wont take 30 seconds to text me "bye," while i spend time sitting around and texting him, writing him letters, making him friendship bracelets, and writing about him here.

why am i a complete idiot? snap out of it.

i've mentioned how my worst fear is caring about someone more than they care about me, and here i am feeling that way about someone who told me that they will always care deeply about me a million times.

lies.

 i can't help but feel like i've been played. maybe my initial judgement of dueche was right.

no, i don't really believe that, but maybe if i keep telling myself that i will believe it eventually, and it'll all get easier.

the boyfriend

i googled "love," and this is the first picture that came up, followed by hundreds of hearts. is that what it is? standing under a red umbrella with someone while the rest of the world is black and white? this is way to idealistic for me. i think that's the problem these days. people base their ideas of what love is off of movies, posters, and tv shows that over simplify it.

actually, just a few days ago i was watching little manhattan , one of favorite movies. the story is basically about an eleven-year-old's first love. towards the end of the movie he says says,

 "Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there."

what's wrong with the "ridiculous little words?" i think he got it half right. not too bad for a boy. especially because we all know how boys mature so slowly than girls do!

i love my family. i love my friends. but the only person i've ever loved romantically is my boyfriend. i'll refer to him as big red. now this is a story that seriously could have been turned into a rom-com.

it all started my freshman year of high school when he would always tip me off my desk in geometry honors. it was just like elementary school flirting. we constantly made fun of and abused each other. i hadn't ever genuinely liked anyone until i met this kid.

things were going just great until the homecoming dance rolled around sophomore year. he went to the dance with a girl who was one year senior than he, and they ended up dating after  a few months. i was crushed. it's not that this girl was particularly beautiful or popular that made me feel like shit, it was that he had picked her over me. i clearly liked him and was available.

this pattern repeated itself over four years. he broke up with girl #1 after over a year, flirted with me for a bit, and went onto girl #2 (one that i found to be particularly unattractive) on the day of NHS initiation. i remember going to the ceremony feeling like shit. after eight months, girl #2 was gone, and i found another opportunity for me to prove myself. this time i really felt like things were going to work out. my hopes were so high, but, in this case, the higher you climb the harder you fall. when homecoming rolled around i thought i was a shoe in to be his date. not the case at all...

my friend asked him why he wouldn't ask me, and he said "i can't see myself doing anything with her." deuche.

this is where girl #3 comes in. she had been my best friend in eight grade, and junior year of high school the boy, she, and i were in a social studies class together. i told her all my feelings about him and how much i liked him.

somehow on homecoming dance night i found myself "sleeping" on a couch next to them at the after party while they hooked up all night. bitch.

match made in hell.

done. i told myself i was done, but you can't just tell yourself to stop liking someone. a few months later they dated for a whole whopping month. i tried so hard to not like him this time, but we started to flirt again, and this time more than ever before. i even remember the first time he held my hand.

prom was coming up. just about everyone went up to him and said "you have to ask sanjana!" simple, right? not in this story. apparently he had promised his best friend that he would take her to prom if she didn't find a date. all i could think was "if you liked me enough, you would ask me."

now the story takes another turn! april 22, the boy was hanging at my house with some other people, and out of no where he kissed me! "great, i'm going to get played again" is all i could think.

a week later, his bestfriend ended up finding a date, and he asked me to prom with a goofy poster. i felt so  weak for saying yes, but i had been waiting for this moment for four years.

prom was great. we continued to be a "thing," but he was adamant about not dating. honestly, it made me feel worthless. he kept saying that we were a few months away from college, and college is all about a fresh start. high school girl friends shouldn't be dragged into that phase of your life.

now here comes turn number two. he did ask me out on graduation day, with a grain of salt. he said that he couldn't promise anything more than a summer relationship.  i said yes, and that's how it all began.

we've been together for a little over two years now. i know that i've drawn him out to sound like the bad guy, but i wouldn't have liked him for so long if he was. he's a goofy genius. in high school he played every sport, was one of the top ten students, and was president of student council. he went on to go to college on a full ride scholarship, and will be finishing in three years with basically a 4.0. he is the smartest person i know.

but he is also one of the people that cares about me the most, right up their with the wife. he will do anything to make me happy, and deal with my craziness.

looking back the last two years have been great, but i also have my worries. i've only been with one person. i never gave anyone in high school a real chance, because i was too focused on one boy. i'm just scared that i don't know anything else. also, i feel like having a long distance boyfriend all my college career has taken away a little bit from my college experience.

would i go back to that moment where he pulled up to my car and asked me out? no. we have had so many amazing moments during the last two years. he is a person that i aspire to be like. he has morals, is a giver, loves to learn, pushes himself, and has an amazing, huge family. he has made me and continues to make me a better person.

i can't believe it all worked out with this kid. after four years of ups and downs, it finally happened. this post is already WAY too long, and i could easily double its length, but i have to stop at one point.

there you have it. i guess that's why love isn't that picture i found on google to me. love is not black and white.

the bestfriend

it has been just over five hours, and i'm back. maybe i'm already addicted? maybe my mind is just overflowing? maybe its just new and exciting? let's go with all of the above.

before i get into my issues, i think i need to go into detail about a few key players in my life. i want to start on a positive note, so i chose to go with my best friend. i'll just refer to her as my wife. i realize that i'm probably going to sound like a lesbian. i promise i'm not, but i do love this girl a whole lot.

i met her in junior high after a milkshake got dumped on one of the most popular girls in school. it was a perfect bonding moment. since then we have been inseparable. if anyone knows how to make me smile and be happy, it's this girl. i remember during my senior year of high school (2008-2009), the boy whom i had liked since freshman year really broke my heart. he had made me cry numerous times before, but this time was beyond those other times. this time i was an absolute mess. (i'm dating this boy now. go figure.) the wife picked me up and took me to the mall for the whole day, but it was so much more than shopping therapy that made me feel better. it was the the realization that no matter who broke my heart or how hard life pushed me i would always have this girl by my side. no one cares about me like she does. my biggest fear in life is love and caring about someone more than they love and care about me, and i am sure i will mention this over and over again. my wife never makes that fear a reality. when i'm with her everything is so straightforward and simple. she does things for me that no one else would ever consider doing.

the example that comes to mind involves my absolute hatred of birthdays. something always goes wrong on my birthday. it's cursed, and i guess i always try to set low expectations, so i don't get disappointed. so every year i try to maintain a low profile and expect absolutely nothing from anyone. my last birthday in november i had everything set up to have a low key birthday. i was going to sit in my room, watch tv, and maybe have a piece of cake. what could possibly go wrong? on a thursday night, after getting some sushi, i returned to my apartment  opened the door, and honestly thought i entered the wrong apartment. "why are there streamers?" "what are these people doing on the couch?" "what is the wife doing 5 hours away from where she lives?" "WAIT, WHAT?" turns out i wasn't in the wrong apartment. she had traveled hours and planned a surprise party just for me. i had no idea that anyone would exert so much effort just to make me happy. my birthday curse was broken. that weekend was probably the best weekend of my entire sophomore year.

i could go on and on about this girl. she makes me laugh, cry, and let loose. she, as corny as this sounds, completes me. she's my best friend, and i'm so incredibly lucky. i know she will always be there for me, even 40 years down the road from now, even thousands of miles apart...

speaking of which she's leaving for australia in about three weeks for about five months. i think it finally just hit me. if i said i was okay right now i'd be flat out lying.

hello world :)

Lately I've been thinking nonstop. I know that I'm a very analytic person, but, simply put, this is just too much. My thoughts, anxieties, and feelings shouldn't be in control of me. I should be in control of them. A great friend suggested writing to me. Everything is worth a shot, so here I am.

First off, I'm not a good writer. I was that girl who got eliminated in the first round of the spelling bee, because she spelled honey h-u-n-n-y; I'm that person who used the synonym tool on Word to try to sound more intelligent; and I'm that student who never understood how she ended up in Honors English Literature in high school. I'm not trying to impress anyone with any skills I don't posses. I'm just here to get my thoughts out of my insanely packed mind. You don't have to read this. Actually, I don't know why I'm even putting this up on a blog instead of a private journal. It just felt right, and I'm trying to learn to trust my gut.

Secondly, I've always been a listener. People just come to me with their problems and let it all out, even if it takes hours. I would like to believe that people see me as patient, rational, and understanding, or maybe I've just always conveniently been there. Either way, I always hear people out. I hate burdening people with my issues, and, quiet frankly, 99% of people don't give a shit about your life. People are selfish. That's why I have always tried to keep my problems to myself. However, recently I started talking to a friend, let's call him Brad. I met Brad in August, 2010. I never really got a chance to get to know him for a few reasons that I'll end up mentioning sometime. Nonetheless, he's been a great listener from the get-go. Since I have been texting him, I realized that I can't go on bottling everything up. I need some outlet for all these thoughts. I hope this will be very therapeutic for me!

So here goes nothing...