Thursday, July 21, 2011

the office

my managers just left for a meeting, and i've wrapped up my work. 

i've had such a great experience at my internship this summer. i'm so lucky i was placed in a department with a team that was goofy, hardworking, and thoughtful. they really put a lot of time and effort into giving me an excellent internship experience. i'm also very fortunate that my intern class is a great group of people. they aren't what i expect at all, but they're very fun. i've had the opportunity to become close with two guys, one being the guy i have a little bit of a thing for and the other being a guy who is the male version of me. i can't get over how strange it is that they'll be leaving in about two and a half weeks. i hope to keep in touch with both of them. when i get close with someone i refuse to have a temporary friendship. that's just my nature. sometimes i wish i was a little less caring. 

i wonder what's easier, changing yourself or trying to change someone else. the obvious answer is yourself. you have more control over who you are than who someone else is, but at the same time it's hard to alter your thoughts and how you feel, especially if they're totally irrational.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

personality > looks

i went four years only liking one boy. now the last two years that i've been dating that boy i've crushed on three different guys. boy #1 , JW, was my first best friend in college. he ended up falling madly and obsessively in love with me the night he ran into me on the street. we are very different people. he is very "harsh" and just quite a character. we would have never worked out. boy #2 is obviously "david." now #3 is the most recent one.

i met him at my internship. i would have NEVER have guessed that i would have ended up crushing on him at the beginning. he's not the most attractive or obviously out going guy, and it's all about physical attraction, right? not for me at least. over the past few weeks i've learned that he has one of the best personalities and senses of humor and sarcasm i have ever come across. i spent yesterday in the city with him and had such a great time.

but he is leaving in less than two weeks when our internship ends to go back to texas. honestly, i'll probably never see him again? it's so sad to think about. i've spent a decent amount of this summer with him, but at the same time 10 weeks is only enough to really scratch the surface of who someone is. i think he sees me as a silly, perverted, weird girl. he hasn't learned about my thoughtful, nerdy, and rational side. 

usually i know exactly how a boy feels about me, but with him i'm so confused. i think i'm a 7.5 and i think he's a 6, so rationally he'd like me, right? too bad life isn't that simple. maybe with my personality he sees me as a 7 and he rightfully sees himself as an 8.5. oh how the tables have turned!

i invited him to come visit the suburb i'm from and go to my friends bonfire with me at 2 AM, since this is his last weekend here. he ALWAYS texts me back, except i haven't gotten a reply about this yet. i don't know what to think?

honestly this doesn't even matter. why am i worrying about this? i have to learn to let things go.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

the good, the bad, and the douchey

i've been really happy the last few weeks. i realized how lucky i am. i have a kind family. i live in a wonderful suburb. i have a small group of great friends. i'm doing very well at school. i have an internship at a fortune 500 company. my manager loves me. i'm confident in who i am as a friend, a daughter, a student, an intern, and a girlfriend.

i truly believe in balance. you can't appreciate the good with out the bad. i guess this weekend has provided my life with some much needed balance. i really miss my best friend. with true love, distance makes the heart grow fonder, so there is no doubt in my mind our bond will grow stronger.

other than that it was my guy friends birthday. i ended up sending him a present the day before his birthday only because he got me one. i'm done caring about him the way i used it. it's not a productive use of my time.

caring has been my biggest strength and weakness. if i care about someone i will show them in every possible way, because actions speak louder than words. with my best friend and my boyfriend this has paid off. my giving isn't clingy or forgotten when it comes to them. with other people, my constant thoughtfulness is a burden. i end up feeling drained and dumb. now i'm really trying to evaluate who is worth my time. it's not easy but it's something i have to do, because otherwise i'm just going to end up feeling hurt.

ok now i have a few things i need to rant about. excuse my possibly rude and critical attitude.

1] i read this on my news feed "male and female mean IQs are about equal below the age of 15 but males have a higher mean IQ from age 15 on. The effect of sex differences in IQ is largest at the high extreme of intelligence. Since many of the more prestigious roles in society are associated with high IQ, the lack of female representation in these roles may be partially due to fewer females being competitive at the highest levels."

a. there is no source. you can't build ethos appeal with out a credible source.
b. confirmation bias. if you want to prove something one way or the other you're biased.
c. there exists data on the internet to prove any point you want to make.
d. CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION PEOPLE!
e. there are WAY too many confounded variables.

P.S. in no way am i a feminist. i make woman jokes all the time, but this is just plain dumb. maybe this argument is true, but if you're going to make an argument like this at least make it solid. this is just my opinion.

2] don't tell me to give you a "birthday kiss" and then tell me you had birthday sex five minutes later. also, don't tell me you had birthday sex when you accuse me of "being weird and trying to make you jealous" if i tell you a boy is cute.

3] the five things i live by thateveryone should keep in mind.
a. TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.
b. karma is a bitch.
c. you can attract more flies with honey than vinegar.
d. stop worrying and just smilie :)
e. it's amazing how lucky hard workers are.

4] correcting grammar or spelling is an easy way to distract from the meaning of an argument.

ah, i feel so much better :) time to get ready for a graduation party. to those who are reading this, i love you :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

it's not goodbye. it's see ya later.

if you asked me a month ago i would have had no idea that it would be so hard. i've done a lot of long distance relationships. they all hurt, but i thought i was a veteran. i thought i was immune. definitely not the case this week. since tuesday, i feel like i've been on the verge of tears and had a lump in my throat. i've been having a hard time falling asleep the last few nights. going 5 whole months with my other half on the otherside of the world scares me. who will rap PMW with me? who will make me laugh when boys break my heart? who will be my best friend? i have a lot of great friends, but no one even comes close. i'm so lucky.

although, i'm so sad right now i care about her enough that i'm very excited and happy for her. this is an amazing opportunity and i wish her the best. it hurts now, but our friendship is so strong. distance won't dilute it.

i have the best best friend in the world. suck for you guys :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

long due

i've always been nothing but nice to people.i treat people with the respect and kindness they deserve. the adjective that is used most frequently to describe me is sweet. that's why i never understand why people treat me rudely or with disrespect. especially, the people whom i care about the most. 

i tried not to communicate with my guy friend for a few days. i wanted to see if i was worth enough for him to overcome his stubbornness and pride, but apparently I wasn't. I caved, as usual, and texted him, basically saying that I just wanted to see if i'd ever pop into his mind.

the response i got was unwarranted. rather than a "sorry, i've been busy," or a "you know i keep you in my thoughts," or even a "i don't feel that way about you any more," i got a "wtf is with this unnecessary drama. why are you saying this shit? for future reference this stuff always pushes people away, always." wow.i stayed true to who i am, held back my dissapointment and frustration, and sent him a kind message explaining that i was sorry that it seemed like drama, but it was just me being open and honest with him, the two traits he had always told me admired the most about me. 

if he thinks my feelings are "unnecessary drama," why should i be his friend? i'm such a nice person that sometimes i let people walk all over me. it's not something i'm proud of, but i'm working on it. i don't deserve to be treated or spoken to this way. if all you're doing is taking a summer class and hanging out with your friends, and i'm not "worth your time" and you have "much more important things to do" than you aren't worth my time.

if anyone ever says "i don't deserve you" there is probably some ounce of truth or reasoning behind their statement. remember that. i wish i hadn't brushed it off, because now i'm starting to see what he meant. 
___



i wrote that last post on june 27. it is so frantic and disorganized. i really had to think twice about putting it up. i ended up doing it because i want all of my thoughts to be in one place. also, when things start going back to how they were, i'm not going to let myself forget about this moment. It reminds me a lot of the movie 500 days of summer. while in the relationship he sees all the great things, but after they break up he takes a closer look and sees that it wasn't all that great. there was some pretty ugly stuff hiding behind a few perfect moments. when my relationship with my friend improves, which i know it will when i get back to college, i'm not going to let the good times overshadow the bad times. i'm going to use pain to improve myself :)