seriously, i have 4 tests and 3 interviews next week, and i need to focus on my work and interview prep, but everyone is driving me crazy. people are so annoying and lazy.
my bitch-face roommate meg is driving me insane. this girl can be described by using every profane word in the dictionary. she confronted me about how dirty it is. bitch please, i'm the cleanest and busiest person in this apartment. her tone is annoying. her face is annoying. she is annoying. then she goes grocery shopping with out when he had a talk about how we both don't have cars and how we'd help each other out. i told her to please tell me when they went, and she said oh sorry it was spontaneous. uhh okay, you're inconsiderate and self absorbed.
second, my guy friend and i hung out a bunch. i took a break from my bf this last week, because i was so busy. i didn't tell my guy friend, because i didn't want him to change his behavior. things were great for a few days, but then he went back to being an ass hole. surprise surprise. i asked him if he would pick a relationship or a career, and he gave me some stupid, incorrect, assumption based answers. here's part of it:
"you're implying the two are mutually exclusive, and you're also assuming success is defined as something confined to income (no, i didn't...) means something different to everyone. doesn't have to be about income at all...blah blah"
ok i asked you a simple question...
"career and relationship SHOULD go hand in hand pretty effortlessly."
NO they don't. a relationship isn't effortless by itself. believe me. i'm actually in this position.
dumb. stop trying to prove you're smart. no one cares...
my third complaint is when people waste my time. make up your mind and show up on time. don't leave me waiting. my time is precious right now.
seriously though, the only person you can depend on is yourself. people suck.
"
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
blahblahblah
what's good? i love y'all :)
here's whats up...
life's been chill. hanging with friends and whatever. meg & paula are still super clique ish. i had a breakdown last sunday, because i was so frustrated about life and how people treat me in general. here's a list of things that were pissing me off
1) the fact that she didn't invite me to breakfast
2) the fact that they wouldn't wait an hour to take my grocery shopping
3) the fact that my guy friend was being all sweet all weekend and going out of his way to text me in the morning, tell me he missed me, and even all me "babe," "pumpkin," & "hottie." he knew i was having a shitty day, but when he got back to school on sunday from a weekend at home he texted me "wish i could come hang out, but the neighbor girls say i have to come over and have banana pancakes with them and hang out cuz i didn't play kickball with them friday :-/"
seriously, i asked you to hangout friday too, but you couldn't. what if i "made you" hang out with me? you dont HAVE TO do anything. you make your own choices. you have your own priorities. if coming and hanging out with you"best friend" after she's had a shitty day isn't a good enough reason to say no to the girls you've known for 3 weeks, then i just don't think you should call me a best friend.
my friend ryan came over though. he was willing to say no to the neighbors for his friend. we had a great discussion :) i just need to stop being such a softie. i'll learn slowly but surely.
anyways, i've seen my guy friend like three times this week. it was fine. i'm not going to over analyze the situation. i don't have enough time, because...
i have exam week starting the third, and i will also mostly likely have TWO interviews :/ i'm kinda nervous. i really want one of them badly. wish me luck!
oh & i'm also the new vice chair for the judical board. makin' moves!
"oh, this could be a really good life"
here's whats up...
life's been chill. hanging with friends and whatever. meg & paula are still super clique ish. i had a breakdown last sunday, because i was so frustrated about life and how people treat me in general. here's a list of things that were pissing me off
1) the fact that she didn't invite me to breakfast
2) the fact that they wouldn't wait an hour to take my grocery shopping
3) the fact that my guy friend was being all sweet all weekend and going out of his way to text me in the morning, tell me he missed me, and even all me "babe," "pumpkin," & "hottie." he knew i was having a shitty day, but when he got back to school on sunday from a weekend at home he texted me "wish i could come hang out, but the neighbor girls say i have to come over and have banana pancakes with them and hang out cuz i didn't play kickball with them friday :-/"
seriously, i asked you to hangout friday too, but you couldn't. what if i "made you" hang out with me? you dont HAVE TO do anything. you make your own choices. you have your own priorities. if coming and hanging out with you"best friend" after she's had a shitty day isn't a good enough reason to say no to the girls you've known for 3 weeks, then i just don't think you should call me a best friend.
my friend ryan came over though. he was willing to say no to the neighbors for his friend. we had a great discussion :) i just need to stop being such a softie. i'll learn slowly but surely.
anyways, i've seen my guy friend like three times this week. it was fine. i'm not going to over analyze the situation. i don't have enough time, because...
i have exam week starting the third, and i will also mostly likely have TWO interviews :/ i'm kinda nervous. i really want one of them badly. wish me luck!
oh & i'm also the new vice chair for the judical board. makin' moves!
"oh, this could be a really good life"
Sunday, September 18, 2011
dreary sunday
life update:
friday was insanely productive. i went to a career fair, then judicial board, and then spent six hours in the library with my friend ryan.
saturday was a shit show. my crazy friend michael came over at ten a.m. with beverages in hand. we went to the tailgate and i saw all of my close friends that i missed so much. it was a lot of fun. i came back from tail gate, slept, chilled, and did some homework. i really wanted to skype with my boyfriend and go to bed early, but my roommate meg's brother was over and they needed a ride back from the bars.
#1) i have never driven around campus
#2) i was tired as &#*@
#3) i wanted to skype with my bf for the first time this week
#4) i wanted to go to bed early bc i had a three hour retreat in the morning
but no, i knew that if i was at a bar i would want someone to pick me up, so i stayed up and skipped the skyping to drive them all home.
before we went to bed, meg asked my other roommate paula to go to breakfast with her and her brother in front of me and left together in the morning. are you serious? that is so incredibly inconsiderate. i did you a huge favor and you exclude me from breakfast? who does that? rude.
as if that wasn't enough, i needed to go grocery shopping with them, and we always go on sunday. while i was at my retreat i got a text from paula asking if i needed to go shopping. i said yes and asked when they were going. they said they were going now, because they already went outside. they couldn't walk back in the building and wait an hour for me? i'm busy. i'm not just an elementary ed student with tons of free time to puzzle race. plus i don't have a car on campus. extra rude.
i'm so annoyed. i treat others with respect and kindness, because that's how would like to be treated in return. maybe some people just aren't worth it.
friday was insanely productive. i went to a career fair, then judicial board, and then spent six hours in the library with my friend ryan.
#1) i have never driven around campus
#2) i was tired as &#*@
#3) i wanted to skype with my bf for the first time this week
#4) i wanted to go to bed early bc i had a three hour retreat in the morning
but no, i knew that if i was at a bar i would want someone to pick me up, so i stayed up and skipped the skyping to drive them all home.
before we went to bed, meg asked my other roommate paula to go to breakfast with her and her brother in front of me and left together in the morning. are you serious? that is so incredibly inconsiderate. i did you a huge favor and you exclude me from breakfast? who does that? rude.
as if that wasn't enough, i needed to go grocery shopping with them, and we always go on sunday. while i was at my retreat i got a text from paula asking if i needed to go shopping. i said yes and asked when they were going. they said they were going now, because they already went outside. they couldn't walk back in the building and wait an hour for me? i'm busy. i'm not just an elementary ed student with tons of free time to puzzle race. plus i don't have a car on campus. extra rude.
i'm so annoyed. i treat others with respect and kindness, because that's how would like to be treated in return. maybe some people just aren't worth it.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
imma fool
i got two stories for you kiddos today.
#1 yesterday i went to the library and hung out with my guy friend. everything was just freakin' like last year. we came back to my place and hung out till 2 am. seriously, why am i so stupid/easy? he's treated me like shit, right? after one day i'm putty in his hands. i am so weak. i keep trying to think of things to say to defend myself when people, like my roommates, ask me why i'm hanging out with him after crying/complaining/and talking about him, but there is no solid defense for what i'm doing. I KNOW IT, BUT I CAN'T STOP! why am i soo incredibly dumb? gah...it'll probably getting shitty again. expect the worst. hope for the best.
#2 i'm going to india for three weeks over winter break. lot's of mixed feelings here.
the positive:
i haven't seen my dad's parents in forever. i love them, and i love madras
now is one of the only times i'll be able to go & i haven't gone since 2007
i feel like if i don't go now, i will regret this in the future.
the negative
i've never traveled by myself, yet alone in a foreign country and five different planes
i'm going to miss seeing my wife and my boyfriend
i have to visit my mom's parents in calcutta. i hate calcutta and it's just going to be five awkward days
i'm going to miss christmas, and i'll be really out of it for new years
ah, i don't know how i feel right now...
#1 yesterday i went to the library and hung out with my guy friend. everything was just freakin' like last year. we came back to my place and hung out till 2 am. seriously, why am i so stupid/easy? he's treated me like shit, right? after one day i'm putty in his hands. i am so weak. i keep trying to think of things to say to defend myself when people, like my roommates, ask me why i'm hanging out with him after crying/complaining/and talking about him, but there is no solid defense for what i'm doing. I KNOW IT, BUT I CAN'T STOP! why am i soo incredibly dumb? gah...it'll probably getting shitty again. expect the worst. hope for the best.
#2 i'm going to india for three weeks over winter break. lot's of mixed feelings here.
the positive:i haven't seen my dad's parents in forever. i love them, and i love madras
now is one of the only times i'll be able to go & i haven't gone since 2007
i feel like if i don't go now, i will regret this in the future.
the negative
i've never traveled by myself, yet alone in a foreign country and five different planes
i'm going to miss seeing my wife and my boyfriend
i have to visit my mom's parents in calcutta. i hate calcutta and it's just going to be five awkward days
i'm going to miss christmas, and i'll be really out of it for new years
ah, i don't know how i feel right now...
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
walked all over
i realized something. i'm too polite. i hold my tongue back way too much. these are my thoughts, and it's okay to have outrageous, emotion thoughts. it's not because i'm a girl. it's not because i'm over dramatic. it's not "hormonal." it's because this is the way i feel at this moment, and there's nothing "wrong" about it.
I'M DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT
stop it with the mind games. stop it with the yo-yoing relationship. stop being indecisive. just be my friend or leave me alone. i'm a good person and i've done nothing but been kind and respectful.
yesterday i was sad, but today i'm just frustrated.
don't tell me you want to hang out, and then not talk to me. don't text me "how are you?" and then not respond after i text you back. don't ignore me when i message you "11:11" and you're on facebook. don't ignore pictures that i put up of our past friendship. don't think all my actions revolve around you. you're not that important/great/necessary.
be kind and treat people with respect. i'm not asking for anything outrageous.
i'm so nieve. not all people are good people. a year isn't long enough to truly know who someone is. people have bad intentions. people are rude. people can treat nice people poorly.
one last thing. i found this quote that i totally agree with right now
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."
I'M DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT
stop it with the mind games. stop it with the yo-yoing relationship. stop being indecisive. just be my friend or leave me alone. i'm a good person and i've done nothing but been kind and respectful.
yesterday i was sad, but today i'm just frustrated.
don't tell me you want to hang out, and then not talk to me. don't text me "how are you?" and then not respond after i text you back. don't ignore me when i message you "11:11" and you're on facebook. don't ignore pictures that i put up of our past friendship. don't think all my actions revolve around you. you're not that important/great/necessary.
be kind and treat people with respect. i'm not asking for anything outrageous.
i'm so nieve. not all people are good people. a year isn't long enough to truly know who someone is. people have bad intentions. people are rude. people can treat nice people poorly.
one last thing. i found this quote that i totally agree with right now
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."
Sunday, September 11, 2011
& boys will be boys...
last night i did homework till one and then skyped my boyfriend. it was just fine, but after we skyped he started texting me and told me about how it bothers him when i joke around and say "you're not getting laid tonight!" when he does something weird or funny or w.e. to me it was just a joke. that's just my sense of humor, but i guess it bothered him a lot. anyway it became this weird argument and discussion. i said i was sorry and that i'd stop, but i also said there are going to be times when it's going to be hard for me to change. i'm just a goof and i say things without thinking, and he over analyzes everything i say.
for example i did 3 internship apps this friday, and he told me he did one, and he was like woah you're so good! i basically said i was half ass-ing them and that he was going slow and steady, meaning he was doing them more thoroughly. he didn't like that. he accused me of calling him slow and steady because he didn't have as many options. can't i just say things light-heartedly? that's a part of who i am.
anyway we made up, but i couldn't fall asleep till five. my guy friend im'ed me, and we ended up talking. it was blatently obvious that he was just horny, because everything he was saying to me was borderline dirty talk. he kept telling me how he "wished i was over so bad."
for example i did 3 internship apps this friday, and he told me he did one, and he was like woah you're so good! i basically said i was half ass-ing them and that he was going slow and steady, meaning he was doing them more thoroughly. he didn't like that. he accused me of calling him slow and steady because he didn't have as many options. can't i just say things light-heartedly? that's a part of who i am.
anyway we made up, but i couldn't fall asleep till five. my guy friend im'ed me, and we ended up talking. it was blatently obvious that he was just horny, because everything he was saying to me was borderline dirty talk. he kept telling me how he "wished i was over so bad."
- Him
- i just really do want u here damnit!
- lol
- Him
8 hours ago- ugh haha u know we're going to
Saturday, September 10, 2011
girls will be girls
yes, i know it's only saturday night, but i really need to buckle down and get work done. i have so much to do, and i don't want my course load to take advantage of me. i've tried to start doing my homework, but i just have too much on my mind, so i figured that if i let it all out i'll be able to focus. here's a recap of my last few days
thursday: i have THREE career fairs, but i secretly like networking. everyone has to be nice to each other. everyone is on their best behavior. everyone is FAKE, but it's kind of awesome. it's like the ideal world. it keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of things. i really hope i get an awesome internship for next summer. my top three chocies are 1) deloitte 2) p&g 3) either target or cardinal health. i hope i get one of those. i do work really hard.
friday: i had another career fair. i came back and relaxed. two of my roommates, let's call them meg & paula have become really close, because me and my fourth roommate michelle have been so busy. michelle went home this weekend, so it's just been the three of us. meg & paula have been kind of cliqueish because they've spent some time together. it's really awkward trying to fit in.
w.e. anyways we ended up having a little get together. my friend david came over. i hadn't seen him since last thursday. it was just like last year. we were flirty and touchy. ugh just such a mess. by midnight we were almost sober. we went down to the second floor of my building to see the pool table and it was just us two for the first time in months. we laughed and messed around and it felt so right. then my friend called me from my apartment and made us come back. he texted me right after he left for the night around 1:30 and we texted till 4:00. paula got pretty smashed. it was slightly amusing, because the rest of us were pretty sober. haha
saturday: today's been chill. our friend from high school was over. we grabbed some food and then decided to go to the dollar store, because meg & paula wanted to buy puzzles. i thought we were going to do them together, but they started buying them in pairs and talking in inside secrets. it was just awkward and made me feel like i didn't belong. i know they probably don't know they're doing it.
now here i am. it's hw time. woo woo.
thursday: i have THREE career fairs, but i secretly like networking. everyone has to be nice to each other. everyone is on their best behavior. everyone is FAKE, but it's kind of awesome. it's like the ideal world. it keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of things. i really hope i get an awesome internship for next summer. my top three chocies are 1) deloitte 2) p&g 3) either target or cardinal health. i hope i get one of those. i do work really hard.
friday: i had another career fair. i came back and relaxed. two of my roommates, let's call them meg & paula have become really close, because me and my fourth roommate michelle have been so busy. michelle went home this weekend, so it's just been the three of us. meg & paula have been kind of cliqueish because they've spent some time together. it's really awkward trying to fit in.
saturday: today's been chill. our friend from high school was over. we grabbed some food and then decided to go to the dollar store, because meg & paula wanted to buy puzzles. i thought we were going to do them together, but they started buying them in pairs and talking in inside secrets. it was just awkward and made me feel like i didn't belong. i know they probably don't know they're doing it.
now here i am. it's hw time. woo woo.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
alone in a crowded room
i guess this three day weekend is coming to an end. overall, it was good & it was bad. i constantly had people over, but for some reason i just feel so alone. i feel like all the relationships i have here are just very light hearted. i miss my parents. i miss my boyfriend. i miss having my guy friend be my best friend. mostly i miss my wife. she ACTUALLY listened to me. very few people care about what you have to say. i have been talking to people, but i feel like i'm either hassling them or it's just in one in and out the other.
i want to cuddle. i want to have girl talk. i want a best friend. i want to have someone here who truly cares about me. maybe that's just too much to ask for sometimes.
oh! although my boyfriend did something very cute...
the fourth to last and last comment were from one of his high school teachers. sweet, huh? when i think about my boyfriend i just smile. and that's how someone you love should make you feel, right?
i really like this quote:
"What we have is a great love. It's complicated. Intense. All-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in. What's mere happiness in the face of all that, right?"
i don't know how i feel about that question. my relationship with my boyfriend is very easy, but that isn't to say we haven't gone though our hardships. at the same time, i don't know if it's a "great" love. sometimes i just feel like were really close friends. i guess it's normal for passion to fade after a few years. i mean the friendship piece is more important in the end. sometimes i used to think with my guy friend i could have had a more "intense" love, but clearly now that he's "over me" i'm not worth his time or effort as much. our friendship wasn't that strong.
maybe all loves start out as "great" loves that are all-consuming and then mellow out to be happy, light loves. i mean, having a "great" love all the time would be way too emotionally exhausted.
who knows? not me! i'm only 20 years old kid, right?
i want to cuddle. i want to have girl talk. i want a best friend. i want to have someone here who truly cares about me. maybe that's just too much to ask for sometimes.
oh! although my boyfriend did something very cute...
the fourth to last and last comment were from one of his high school teachers. sweet, huh? when i think about my boyfriend i just smile. and that's how someone you love should make you feel, right?
i really like this quote:
"What we have is a great love. It's complicated. Intense. All-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in. What's mere happiness in the face of all that, right?"
i don't know how i feel about that question. my relationship with my boyfriend is very easy, but that isn't to say we haven't gone though our hardships. at the same time, i don't know if it's a "great" love. sometimes i just feel like were really close friends. i guess it's normal for passion to fade after a few years. i mean the friendship piece is more important in the end. sometimes i used to think with my guy friend i could have had a more "intense" love, but clearly now that he's "over me" i'm not worth his time or effort as much. our friendship wasn't that strong.
maybe all loves start out as "great" loves that are all-consuming and then mellow out to be happy, light loves. i mean, having a "great" love all the time would be way too emotionally exhausted.
who knows? not me! i'm only 20 years old kid, right?
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
long weekend
first weekend of school = a 5 day weekend. WHAT?
here's the low down.
friday: i went to career fair in 100 degree weather. i love networking an talking to recruiters. i hope i can get an awesome internship for next summer. but seriously being outside for over an hour was torture. we were all melting, but i'm happy i went!
then i came back and chilled and went on a "fake" date with my roomie, her friend fernando, and our other friend "ryan". it was actually a really good time! we went to get thai food and ice cream. i enjoyed everyone's company.
we came back, and one of my roommates was throwing a party. to be honest with you i don't party a lot. i'm a pretty responsible drinker and i know my limits. i drank a little and had fun. my guy friend came over to the party. i was trying to give him his space and just was having fun talking to everyone! then ryan got sick and was in the bathroom. my guy friend and i sat in there with him. everything felt like the good old times. we chatted and then he started pour water bottles on each other. at one point he dumped half a bottle on me, so i just decided to press up on him and get him soaked too. it ended up turning into that hug that i had been wanting for so long. we went back to sitting on the ground, and it hit me then. we can't keep doing this. it's too hard on me and it's too hard on him. my eyes started watering. i tried to make it stop but i couldn't help it i turned my head away from him and just sat there. i know he could tell i was hurting, because he put his arms around me. his friend woke up a little bit later and he left.
i texted him that i missed him and cared about him and just felt lost...and that i had his hat. while i was asleep he sent me FOURTEEN text messages. they were mostly accusing me of trying to make him jealous by talking to people at the party and hanging out all the time with his apartment-mate ryan.
what?!
he had told me he wanted his space, so i thought i'd give it to him and be social with others. in no way was i trying to make him jealous. and i would NEVER use ryan to make him jealous. i really enjoy ryan. he respects me as a friend, and we have awesome intelligent conversations with each other. i don't do mind games like that.
he also told me he missed me and cared about me.
i texted him back a bunch of stuff. basically, that i wasn't trying to get a "reaction/rise" out of him or playing any jealousy games, and a few other things.
i didn't really sleep that night. i got out of bed that morning and did some kenpo and ab ripper x (i love p90x and tony horton is hot!). despite getting only 2 hours of sleep i felt pretty good. i had a productive day.
then ryan and my guy friend came over to make dinner and watch a movie. ryan made dinner. we ate, and then hung out for a little. then they left. my guy friend ended up messaging me on facebook. we had a discussion and i think we finally came to some sort of resolution. i guess i realized that i still like him a little, although i can put this aside, because i care about him so much as a friend. at this point, i'm hoping for the best and expecting the worse.
i miss my best frand! i hope you're having an awesome time in the outback with the aboriginees. ily. keep your fingers crossed for me :)
here's the low down.
friday: i went to career fair in 100 degree weather. i love networking an talking to recruiters. i hope i can get an awesome internship for next summer. but seriously being outside for over an hour was torture. we were all melting, but i'm happy i went!
then i came back and chilled and went on a "fake" date with my roomie, her friend fernando, and our other friend "ryan". it was actually a really good time! we went to get thai food and ice cream. i enjoyed everyone's company.
we came back, and one of my roommates was throwing a party. to be honest with you i don't party a lot. i'm a pretty responsible drinker and i know my limits. i drank a little and had fun. my guy friend came over to the party. i was trying to give him his space and just was having fun talking to everyone! then ryan got sick and was in the bathroom. my guy friend and i sat in there with him. everything felt like the good old times. we chatted and then he started pour water bottles on each other. at one point he dumped half a bottle on me, so i just decided to press up on him and get him soaked too. it ended up turning into that hug that i had been wanting for so long. we went back to sitting on the ground, and it hit me then. we can't keep doing this. it's too hard on me and it's too hard on him. my eyes started watering. i tried to make it stop but i couldn't help it i turned my head away from him and just sat there. i know he could tell i was hurting, because he put his arms around me. his friend woke up a little bit later and he left.i texted him that i missed him and cared about him and just felt lost...and that i had his hat. while i was asleep he sent me FOURTEEN text messages. they were mostly accusing me of trying to make him jealous by talking to people at the party and hanging out all the time with his apartment-mate ryan.
what?!
he had told me he wanted his space, so i thought i'd give it to him and be social with others. in no way was i trying to make him jealous. and i would NEVER use ryan to make him jealous. i really enjoy ryan. he respects me as a friend, and we have awesome intelligent conversations with each other. i don't do mind games like that.
he also told me he missed me and cared about me.
i texted him back a bunch of stuff. basically, that i wasn't trying to get a "reaction/rise" out of him or playing any jealousy games, and a few other things.
i didn't really sleep that night. i got out of bed that morning and did some kenpo and ab ripper x (i love p90x and tony horton is hot!). despite getting only 2 hours of sleep i felt pretty good. i had a productive day.
then ryan and my guy friend came over to make dinner and watch a movie. ryan made dinner. we ate, and then hung out for a little. then they left. my guy friend ended up messaging me on facebook. we had a discussion and i think we finally came to some sort of resolution. i guess i realized that i still like him a little, although i can put this aside, because i care about him so much as a friend. at this point, i'm hoping for the best and expecting the worse.
i miss my best frand! i hope you're having an awesome time in the outback with the aboriginees. ily. keep your fingers crossed for me :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
pretty girl
this song succinctly summarizes how i felt/feel about what i wrote about in my last post.
facing your fears
i haven't written for awhile. i keep tying to think of excuses for why i haven't written. here's what i got:
i'm busy with work
i'm busy packing
i'm busy moving in
i'm busy with school
but then i realized what it honestly was. i don't want to deal with taking the time to organize and write down my emotions and thoughts and acknowledge what happened to my relationship with my guy friend.
it's crumbed. there i said it.
one day he stopped texting me and then didn't text me back for three weeks. then when i got back to college he didn't even come see me the day i got back. i basically had to beg him to come see me the next night. we barely talked. it was civil.
i texted him that i missed hanging out/being goofy/ and chatting with my best friend. he texted me back 4 hours later saying he was reading. really?
finally we started im'ing. this is where i felt like i was stabbed with a knife:
Me:
he basically went on to say he was over me and blame me for things that happened this summer, and conclude with the fact that we could hanging out, but just not like last year.
we started talking like normal again and that's when the cherry was placed on the top.
i was a bit shaken up and crying from the ordeal. i asked him for one thing, a hug. i even said i would walk over and not say a word. he couldn't even give me that. a simple 5 second hug. he let me sit outside alone for thirty minutes. last year he wouldn't even let me walk alone anywhere at night.
to my best friend, i'm not an option. i'm a priority. so clearly we are no longer best friends.
the hardest pill to swallow is that my roommate was right all along. our friendship was the most important thing to me, but his intentions were the most important thing to him. once he was "over me" a friendship wasn't worth the time.
the past few days had been rough. i was having nightmares about it, but what can i do? i can realize what an amazing friend i was to him. i brought him soup and made him chocolate covered strawberries when he was sick. i made him hot coco when he came back from a cold night. i made him dinner and shared my favorite movie with him. i sent him a birthday present. i invited him over to my house, cooked dinner for him, and let him sit with my family. i wrote him numerous letters and made him many friendship bracelets. what i regret the though, is that i always let him push me physically. that's the reason this hurts the most. sometimes i would cry right in front of him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable, but he continued to do it. i kept telling myself, my roommate, and boyfriend that he was still a good person, but in retrospect a good person wouldn't hurt someone they loved or cared about they way he did. sometimes, even an outfit i wore one of those nights brings back painful and shameful memories. i'll never be able to escape those moments or forget about them.
this is something he messaged me in november 2009:
i'm busy with work
i'm busy packing
i'm busy moving in
i'm busy with school
but then i realized what it honestly was. i don't want to deal with taking the time to organize and write down my emotions and thoughts and acknowledge what happened to my relationship with my guy friend.
it's crumbed. there i said it.
one day he stopped texting me and then didn't text me back for three weeks. then when i got back to college he didn't even come see me the day i got back. i basically had to beg him to come see me the next night. we barely talked. it was civil.
i texted him that i missed hanging out/being goofy/ and chatting with my best friend. he texted me back 4 hours later saying he was reading. really?
finally we started im'ing. this is where i felt like i was stabbed with a knife:
Me:
- i just want my best friend back honestly
- i miss you, but i dont know what what you want from me. it's kind of been eating away at me
- i miss looking at houses with you. i miss wrestling with you. i miss watching jersey shore with you.
- i miss making fun of fat people with you. i miss psuedo-studying with you.
- and maybe i shouldn't have said any of that, but it's true.
- no comment to that?
he basically went on to say he was over me and blame me for things that happened this summer, and conclude with the fact that we could hanging out, but just not like last year.
we started talking like normal again and that's when the cherry was placed on the top.
i was a bit shaken up and crying from the ordeal. i asked him for one thing, a hug. i even said i would walk over and not say a word. he couldn't even give me that. a simple 5 second hug. he let me sit outside alone for thirty minutes. last year he wouldn't even let me walk alone anywhere at night.
to my best friend, i'm not an option. i'm a priority. so clearly we are no longer best friends.
the hardest pill to swallow is that my roommate was right all along. our friendship was the most important thing to me, but his intentions were the most important thing to him. once he was "over me" a friendship wasn't worth the time.
the past few days had been rough. i was having nightmares about it, but what can i do? i can realize what an amazing friend i was to him. i brought him soup and made him chocolate covered strawberries when he was sick. i made him hot coco when he came back from a cold night. i made him dinner and shared my favorite movie with him. i sent him a birthday present. i invited him over to my house, cooked dinner for him, and let him sit with my family. i wrote him numerous letters and made him many friendship bracelets. what i regret the though, is that i always let him push me physically. that's the reason this hurts the most. sometimes i would cry right in front of him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable, but he continued to do it. i kept telling myself, my roommate, and boyfriend that he was still a good person, but in retrospect a good person wouldn't hurt someone they loved or cared about they way he did. sometimes, even an outfit i wore one of those nights brings back painful and shameful memories. i'll never be able to escape those moments or forget about them.
this is something he messaged me in november 2009:
"i wouldn’t forget you if i didn’t see you for several years [my name]... uve done things to me that have never been done to me before, challenged me in ways I’ve never been challenged before. ive never felt so close to a girl so quickly and become so comfortable around her and appreciated someone so much so quickly... i wouldn’t forget you
okay... ive been trying and trying to keep from saying this, but i like you so so much [my name]... i HATE putting myself in this vulnerable position, especially given the circumstance, but i just have to let you know. i tell you a lot... but i seriously like you more than you understand. not to be creepy, but i am always thinking about you. And i promise you i wouldnt forget you no matter what. it honestly makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about not seeing you for so long.. cuz i hate not seeing you after only a few days
this honestly really scares me... im so rarely scared and feeling like this, but i dont even know what to do.. i cant help it. and i like you more and more all the time, with you or not."
how could he have said all these things and then sudden change his mind in one month?
the obvious answer is that he's changed. he even said that when i spoke to him last night. he's changed. if one things going to make this hurt less, it's that. this isn't the same guy who i was best friends with last year. this is a whole new person.
at least know i know who he is and where we stand. i'm proud of the person who i am, the things i say, the the actions i take. that's the best anyone can do. here's to making new friends and great success. you need a little bad in your life sometimes to see the good.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
the office
my managers just left for a meeting, and i've wrapped up my work.
i've had such a great experience at my internship this summer. i'm so lucky i was placed in a department with a team that was goofy, hardworking, and thoughtful. they really put a lot of time and effort into giving me an excellent internship experience. i'm also very fortunate that my intern class is a great group of people. they aren't what i expect at all, but they're very fun. i've had the opportunity to become close with two guys, one being the guy i have a little bit of a thing for and the other being a guy who is the male version of me. i can't get over how strange it is that they'll be leaving in about two and a half weeks. i hope to keep in touch with both of them. when i get close with someone i refuse to have a temporary friendship. that's just my nature. sometimes i wish i was a little less caring.
i wonder what's easier, changing yourself or trying to change someone else. the obvious answer is yourself. you have more control over who you are than who someone else is, but at the same time it's hard to alter your thoughts and how you feel, especially if they're totally irrational.
i've had such a great experience at my internship this summer. i'm so lucky i was placed in a department with a team that was goofy, hardworking, and thoughtful. they really put a lot of time and effort into giving me an excellent internship experience. i'm also very fortunate that my intern class is a great group of people. they aren't what i expect at all, but they're very fun. i've had the opportunity to become close with two guys, one being the guy i have a little bit of a thing for and the other being a guy who is the male version of me. i can't get over how strange it is that they'll be leaving in about two and a half weeks. i hope to keep in touch with both of them. when i get close with someone i refuse to have a temporary friendship. that's just my nature. sometimes i wish i was a little less caring.
i wonder what's easier, changing yourself or trying to change someone else. the obvious answer is yourself. you have more control over who you are than who someone else is, but at the same time it's hard to alter your thoughts and how you feel, especially if they're totally irrational.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
personality > looks
i went four years only liking one boy. now the last two years that i've been dating that boy i've crushed on three different guys. boy #1 , JW, was my first best friend in college. he ended up falling madly and obsessively in love with me the night he ran into me on the street. we are very different people. he is very "harsh" and just quite a character. we would have never worked out. boy #2 is obviously "david." now #3 is the most recent one.
i met him at my internship. i would have NEVER have guessed that i would have ended up crushing on him at the beginning. he's not the most attractive or obviously out going guy, and it's all about physical attraction, right? not for me at least. over the past few weeks i've learned that he has one of the best personalities and senses of humor and sarcasm i have ever come across. i spent yesterday in the city with him and had such a great time.
but he is leaving in less than two weeks when our internship ends to go back to texas. honestly, i'll probably never see him again? it's so sad to think about. i've spent a decent amount of this summer with him, but at the same time 10 weeks is only enough to really scratch the surface of who someone is. i think he sees me as a silly, perverted, weird girl. he hasn't learned about my thoughtful, nerdy, and rational side.
usually i know exactly how a boy feels about me, but with him i'm so confused. i think i'm a 7.5 and i think he's a 6, so rationally he'd like me, right? too bad life isn't that simple. maybe with my personality he sees me as a 7 and he rightfully sees himself as an 8.5. oh how the tables have turned!
i invited him to come visit the suburb i'm from and go to my friends bonfire with me at 2 AM, since this is his last weekend here. he ALWAYS texts me back, except i haven't gotten a reply about this yet. i don't know what to think?
honestly this doesn't even matter. why am i worrying about this? i have to learn to let things go.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
the good, the bad, and the douchey
i've been really happy the last few weeks. i realized how lucky i am. i have a kind family. i live in a wonderful suburb. i have a small group of great friends. i'm doing very well at school. i have an internship at a fortune 500 company. my manager loves me. i'm confident in who i am as a friend, a daughter, a student, an intern, and a girlfriend.
i truly believe in balance. you can't appreciate the good with out the bad. i guess this weekend has provided my life with some much needed balance. i really miss my best friend. with true love, distance makes the heart grow fonder, so there is no doubt in my mind our bond will grow stronger.
other than that it was my guy friends birthday. i ended up sending him a present the day before his birthday only because he got me one. i'm done caring about him the way i used it. it's not a productive use of my time.
caring has been my biggest strength and weakness. if i care about someone i will show them in every possible way, because actions speak louder than words. with my best friend and my boyfriend this has paid off. my giving isn't clingy or forgotten when it comes to them. with other people, my constant thoughtfulness is a burden. i end up feeling drained and dumb. now i'm really trying to evaluate who is worth my time. it's not easy but it's something i have to do, because otherwise i'm just going to end up feeling hurt.
ok now i have a few things i need to rant about. excuse my possibly rude and critical attitude.
1] i read this on my news feed "male and female mean IQs are about equal below the age of 15 but males have a higher mean IQ from age 15 on. The effect of sex differences in IQ is largest at the high extreme of intelligence. Since many of the more prestigious roles in society are associated with high IQ, the lack of female representation in these roles may be partially due to fewer females being competitive at the highest levels."
a. there is no source. you can't build ethos appeal with out a credible source.
b. confirmation bias. if you want to prove something one way or the other you're biased.
c. there exists data on the internet to prove any point you want to make.
d. CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION PEOPLE!
e. there are WAY too many confounded variables.
P.S. in no way am i a feminist. i make woman jokes all the time, but this is just plain dumb. maybe this argument is true, but if you're going to make an argument like this at least make it solid. this is just my opinion.
2] don't tell me to give you a "birthday kiss" and then tell me you had birthday sex five minutes later. also, don't tell me you had birthday sex when you accuse me of "being weird and trying to make you jealous" if i tell you a boy is cute.
3] the five things i live by thateveryone should keep in mind.
a. TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.
b. karma is a bitch.
c. you can attract more flies with honey than vinegar.
d. stop worrying and just smilie :)
e. it's amazing how lucky hard workers are.
4] correcting grammar or spelling is an easy way to distract from the meaning of an argument.
ah, i feel so much better :) time to get ready for a graduation party. to those who are reading this, i love you :)
i truly believe in balance. you can't appreciate the good with out the bad. i guess this weekend has provided my life with some much needed balance. i really miss my best friend. with true love, distance makes the heart grow fonder, so there is no doubt in my mind our bond will grow stronger.
other than that it was my guy friends birthday. i ended up sending him a present the day before his birthday only because he got me one. i'm done caring about him the way i used it. it's not a productive use of my time.
caring has been my biggest strength and weakness. if i care about someone i will show them in every possible way, because actions speak louder than words. with my best friend and my boyfriend this has paid off. my giving isn't clingy or forgotten when it comes to them. with other people, my constant thoughtfulness is a burden. i end up feeling drained and dumb. now i'm really trying to evaluate who is worth my time. it's not easy but it's something i have to do, because otherwise i'm just going to end up feeling hurt.
1] i read this on my news feed "male and female mean IQs are about equal below the age of 15 but males have a higher mean IQ from age 15 on. The effect of sex differences in IQ is largest at the high extreme of intelligence. Since many of the more prestigious roles in society are associated with high IQ, the lack of female representation in these roles may be partially due to fewer females being competitive at the highest levels."
a. there is no source. you can't build ethos appeal with out a credible source.
b. confirmation bias. if you want to prove something one way or the other you're biased.
c. there exists data on the internet to prove any point you want to make.
d. CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION PEOPLE!
e. there are WAY too many confounded variables.
P.S. in no way am i a feminist. i make woman jokes all the time, but this is just plain dumb. maybe this argument is true, but if you're going to make an argument like this at least make it solid. this is just my opinion.
2] don't tell me to give you a "birthday kiss" and then tell me you had birthday sex five minutes later. also, don't tell me you had birthday sex when you accuse me of "being weird and trying to make you jealous" if i tell you a boy is cute.
3] the five things i live by thateveryone should keep in mind.
a. TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.
b. karma is a bitch.
c. you can attract more flies with honey than vinegar.
d. stop worrying and just smilie :)
e. it's amazing how lucky hard workers are.
4] correcting grammar or spelling is an easy way to distract from the meaning of an argument.
ah, i feel so much better :) time to get ready for a graduation party. to those who are reading this, i love you :)
Friday, July 8, 2011
it's not goodbye. it's see ya later.
if you asked me a month ago i would have had no idea that it would be so hard. i've done a lot of long distance relationships. they all hurt, but i thought i was a veteran. i thought i was immune. definitely not the case this week. since tuesday, i feel like i've been on the verge of tears and had a lump in my throat. i've been having a hard time falling asleep the last few nights. going 5 whole months with my other half on the otherside of the world scares me. who will rap PMW with me? who will make me laugh when boys break my heart? who will be my best friend? i have a lot of great friends, but no one even comes close. i'm so lucky.
although, i'm so sad right now i care about her enough that i'm very excited and happy for her. this is an amazing opportunity and i wish her the best. it hurts now, but our friendship is so strong. distance won't dilute it.
i have the best best friend in the world. suck for you guys :)
although, i'm so sad right now i care about her enough that i'm very excited and happy for her. this is an amazing opportunity and i wish her the best. it hurts now, but our friendship is so strong. distance won't dilute it.
i have the best best friend in the world. suck for you guys :)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
long due
i've always been nothing but nice to people.i treat people with the respect and kindness they deserve. the adjective that is used most frequently to describe me is sweet. that's why i never understand why people treat me rudely or with disrespect. especially, the people whom i care about the most.
i tried not to communicate with my guy friend for a few days. i wanted to see if i was worth enough for him to overcome his stubbornness and pride, but apparently I wasn't. I caved, as usual, and texted him, basically saying that I just wanted to see if i'd ever pop into his mind.
the response i got was unwarranted. rather than a "sorry, i've been busy," or a "you know i keep you in my thoughts," or even a "i don't feel that way about you any more," i got a "wtf is with this unnecessary drama. why are you saying this shit? for future reference this stuff always pushes people away, always." wow.i stayed true to who i am, held back my dissapointment and frustration, and sent him a kind message explaining that i was sorry that it seemed like drama, but it was just me being open and honest with him, the two traits he had always told me admired the most about me.
if he thinks my feelings are "unnecessary drama," why should i be his friend? i'm such a nice person that sometimes i let people walk all over me. it's not something i'm proud of, but i'm working on it. i don't deserve to be treated or spoken to this way. if all you're doing is taking a summer class and hanging out with your friends, and i'm not "worth your time" and you have "much more important things to do" than you aren't worth my time.
if anyone ever says "i don't deserve you" there is probably some ounce of truth or reasoning behind their statement. remember that. i wish i hadn't brushed it off, because now i'm starting to see what he meant.
___
i wrote that last post on june 27. it is so frantic and disorganized. i really had to think twice about putting it up. i ended up doing it because i want all of my thoughts to be in one place. also, when things start going back to how they were, i'm not going to let myself forget about this moment. It reminds me a lot of the movie 500 days of summer. while in the relationship he sees all the great things, but after they break up he takes a closer look and sees that it wasn't all that great. there was some pretty ugly stuff hiding behind a few perfect moments. when my relationship with my friend improves, which i know it will when i get back to college, i'm not going to let the good times overshadow the bad times. i'm going to use pain to improve myself :)
i tried not to communicate with my guy friend for a few days. i wanted to see if i was worth enough for him to overcome his stubbornness and pride, but apparently I wasn't. I caved, as usual, and texted him, basically saying that I just wanted to see if i'd ever pop into his mind.
the response i got was unwarranted. rather than a "sorry, i've been busy," or a "you know i keep you in my thoughts," or even a "i don't feel that way about you any more," i got a "wtf is with this unnecessary drama. why are you saying this shit? for future reference this stuff always pushes people away, always." wow.i stayed true to who i am, held back my dissapointment and frustration, and sent him a kind message explaining that i was sorry that it seemed like drama, but it was just me being open and honest with him, the two traits he had always told me admired the most about me.
if he thinks my feelings are "unnecessary drama," why should i be his friend? i'm such a nice person that sometimes i let people walk all over me. it's not something i'm proud of, but i'm working on it. i don't deserve to be treated or spoken to this way. if all you're doing is taking a summer class and hanging out with your friends, and i'm not "worth your time" and you have "much more important things to do" than you aren't worth my time.
if anyone ever says "i don't deserve you" there is probably some ounce of truth or reasoning behind their statement. remember that. i wish i hadn't brushed it off, because now i'm starting to see what he meant.
___
i wrote that last post on june 27. it is so frantic and disorganized. i really had to think twice about putting it up. i ended up doing it because i want all of my thoughts to be in one place. also, when things start going back to how they were, i'm not going to let myself forget about this moment. It reminds me a lot of the movie 500 days of summer. while in the relationship he sees all the great things, but after they break up he takes a closer look and sees that it wasn't all that great. there was some pretty ugly stuff hiding behind a few perfect moments. when my relationship with my friend improves, which i know it will when i get back to college, i'm not going to let the good times overshadow the bad times. i'm going to use pain to improve myself :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
the guyfriend
i've been holding off on posting because i had way too many thoughts and emotions going on. oh, and working and commuting for over 60 hours a week doesn't make it any easier.
so this "guy friend" is really the cause of all of my problems. i honestly don't even want to talk about this, but i think it'll help me out in the long run. i'll just call him david.
i met david at the start of my sophomore year. i was going to a highlighter party with one of my school friends, "helga." as soon as i opened this door, the tan muscular guy i had seen in helga's recent facebook album popped out of now where and started talking to me. "alright, ill let this guy prove to me he isn't the deuche he appears to be." we chatted for a bit, but helga had a game plan. she wanted to get with him. the obvious way to kill my connection with David was to ask when my boyfriend was visititng. typical helga move, but nbd.
at the party i witnessed some extreme ass grabbing. so much for not judging a book by its cover. this kid was a deuche. i mean, he wrote his name in capital letters at the bottom of my white shirt, was so wasted and high, and kept pulling up his shirt to show off his tan six pack. cool.
whatever, i add him on facebook, and a few days letter invited helga, him and some other people over to my apartment. he didn't really give helga the attention she was craving. actually, he spent most of his time talking to me.
things started to change quickly. he started telling me all the time about how pretty i looked or how sweet i was. he spoke like he was reading off quotes from the notebook all the time, but i'm a sucker for all that shit.
he told me he liked me. he knew i had a boyfriend. everyone around us could feel the energy between us. it was so obvious. i had been played so many times, and i needed to know what his deal was, so i talked to his bestfriend. his bestfriend said great things about him, but did warn me that at times he could be a bit of a player. he was looking out for me. he didn't want me to get hurt.
i decided we could continue our relationship and keep it completely platonic. how dumb was i? we spent more and more time together. we texted non-stop, and we facebook messaged for hours. this train couldn't be stopped. a crash was imminent.
one day we were just chilling in his room and i have no idea what happened, but he started to kiss on me. i freaked out, cried, and went home. i didn't kiss him back, but i felt like a complete cheater. for some reason, this train kept going even after the crash? our relationship defied logic and rationality.
however, it was taking a toll on my long distance relationship. i was so confused. this kid was a complete sweet heart. he treated me so well and said the nicest things. he always made me feel beautiful and special, which isn't really my boyfriend's strength. the abs were just the cherry on top. i started second guessing my choice to be with my high school sweet heart. i can't believe our relationship made it through all those months.
my boyfriend and i fought numerous times about him, but my boyfriend is very easy going, and him and david ended up being friends until the second time david got very agressive with me. now my boyfriend pretty much despises david but respects my choice to be friends with him.
here i am. its summer. i don't know what to think. i thought david really cared about me, but we barely talk, and when we do we're usually fighting. i guess its out of sight out of mind for him. i guess that's ok, but if he really loved me like he told me a million times, would this be happening? if you love someone, should something like distance make you forget them? it hasn't made me forget or stop thinking about him.
actions speak louder than words. based on his words he cares about me more than anyone else in the world. based on his actions i'm worthless. he wont spend 10 mins skyping with me. he wont take 5 minutes to call me. he wont take 30 seconds to text me "bye," while i spend time sitting around and texting him, writing him letters, making him friendship bracelets, and writing about him here.
why am i a complete idiot? snap out of it.
i've mentioned how my worst fear is caring about someone more than they care about me, and here i am feeling that way about someone who told me that they will always care deeply about me a million times.
lies.
i can't help but feel like i've been played. maybe my initial judgement of dueche was right.
no, i don't really believe that, but maybe if i keep telling myself that i will believe it eventually, and it'll all get easier.
so this "guy friend" is really the cause of all of my problems. i honestly don't even want to talk about this, but i think it'll help me out in the long run. i'll just call him david.
i met david at the start of my sophomore year. i was going to a highlighter party with one of my school friends, "helga." as soon as i opened this door, the tan muscular guy i had seen in helga's recent facebook album popped out of now where and started talking to me. "alright, ill let this guy prove to me he isn't the deuche he appears to be." we chatted for a bit, but helga had a game plan. she wanted to get with him. the obvious way to kill my connection with David was to ask when my boyfriend was visititng. typical helga move, but nbd.
at the party i witnessed some extreme ass grabbing. so much for not judging a book by its cover. this kid was a deuche. i mean, he wrote his name in capital letters at the bottom of my white shirt, was so wasted and high, and kept pulling up his shirt to show off his tan six pack. cool.
whatever, i add him on facebook, and a few days letter invited helga, him and some other people over to my apartment. he didn't really give helga the attention she was craving. actually, he spent most of his time talking to me.
things started to change quickly. he started telling me all the time about how pretty i looked or how sweet i was. he spoke like he was reading off quotes from the notebook all the time, but i'm a sucker for all that shit.he told me he liked me. he knew i had a boyfriend. everyone around us could feel the energy between us. it was so obvious. i had been played so many times, and i needed to know what his deal was, so i talked to his bestfriend. his bestfriend said great things about him, but did warn me that at times he could be a bit of a player. he was looking out for me. he didn't want me to get hurt.
i decided we could continue our relationship and keep it completely platonic. how dumb was i? we spent more and more time together. we texted non-stop, and we facebook messaged for hours. this train couldn't be stopped. a crash was imminent.
one day we were just chilling in his room and i have no idea what happened, but he started to kiss on me. i freaked out, cried, and went home. i didn't kiss him back, but i felt like a complete cheater. for some reason, this train kept going even after the crash? our relationship defied logic and rationality.
however, it was taking a toll on my long distance relationship. i was so confused. this kid was a complete sweet heart. he treated me so well and said the nicest things. he always made me feel beautiful and special, which isn't really my boyfriend's strength. the abs were just the cherry on top. i started second guessing my choice to be with my high school sweet heart. i can't believe our relationship made it through all those months.
my boyfriend and i fought numerous times about him, but my boyfriend is very easy going, and him and david ended up being friends until the second time david got very agressive with me. now my boyfriend pretty much despises david but respects my choice to be friends with him.
here i am. its summer. i don't know what to think. i thought david really cared about me, but we barely talk, and when we do we're usually fighting. i guess its out of sight out of mind for him. i guess that's ok, but if he really loved me like he told me a million times, would this be happening? if you love someone, should something like distance make you forget them? it hasn't made me forget or stop thinking about him.
actions speak louder than words. based on his words he cares about me more than anyone else in the world. based on his actions i'm worthless. he wont spend 10 mins skyping with me. he wont take 5 minutes to call me. he wont take 30 seconds to text me "bye," while i spend time sitting around and texting him, writing him letters, making him friendship bracelets, and writing about him here.
why am i a complete idiot? snap out of it.
i've mentioned how my worst fear is caring about someone more than they care about me, and here i am feeling that way about someone who told me that they will always care deeply about me a million times.
lies.
i can't help but feel like i've been played. maybe my initial judgement of dueche was right.
no, i don't really believe that, but maybe if i keep telling myself that i will believe it eventually, and it'll all get easier.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
the boyfriend
i googled "love," and this is the first picture that came up, followed by hundreds of hearts. is that what it is? standing under a red umbrella with someone while the rest of the world is black and white? this is way to idealistic for me. i think that's the problem these days. people base their ideas of what love is off of movies, posters, and tv shows that over simplify it.actually, just a few days ago i was watching little manhattan , one of favorite movies. the story is basically about an eleven-year-old's first love. towards the end of the movie he says says,
"Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there."
what's wrong with the "ridiculous little words?" i think he got it half right. not too bad for a boy. especially because we all know how boys mature so slowly than girls do!
i love my family. i love my friends. but the only person i've ever loved romantically is my boyfriend. i'll refer to him as big red. now this is a story that seriously could have been turned into a rom-com.
it all started my freshman year of high school when he would always tip me off my desk in geometry honors. it was just like elementary school flirting. we constantly made fun of and abused each other. i hadn't ever genuinely liked anyone until i met this kid.
things were going just great until the homecoming dance rolled around sophomore year. he went to the dance with a girl who was one year senior than he, and they ended up dating after a few months. i was crushed. it's not that this girl was particularly beautiful or popular that made me feel like shit, it was that he had picked her over me. i clearly liked him and was available.
this pattern repeated itself over four years. he broke up with girl #1 after over a year, flirted with me for a bit, and went onto girl #2 (one that i found to be particularly unattractive) on the day of NHS initiation. i remember going to the ceremony feeling like shit. after eight months, girl #2 was gone, and i found another opportunity for me to prove myself. this time i really felt like things were going to work out. my hopes were so high, but, in this case, the higher you climb the harder you fall. when homecoming rolled around i thought i was a shoe in to be his date. not the case at all...
my friend asked him why he wouldn't ask me, and he said "i can't see myself doing anything with her." deuche.
this is where girl #3 comes in. she had been my best friend in eight grade, and junior year of high school the boy, she, and i were in a social studies class together. i told her all my feelings about him and how much i liked him.
somehow on homecoming dance night i found myself "sleeping" on a couch next to them at the after party while they hooked up all night. bitch.
match made in hell.
done. i told myself i was done, but you can't just tell yourself to stop liking someone. a few months later they dated for a whole whopping month. i tried so hard to not like him this time, but we started to flirt again, and this time more than ever before. i even remember the first time he held my hand.
prom was coming up. just about everyone went up to him and said "you have to ask sanjana!" simple, right? not in this story. apparently he had promised his best friend that he would take her to prom if she didn't find a date. all i could think was "if you liked me enough, you would ask me."
now the story takes another turn! april 22, the boy was hanging at my house with some other people, and out of no where he kissed me! "great, i'm going to get played again" is all i could think.
a week later, his bestfriend ended up finding a date, and he asked me to prom with a goofy poster. i felt so weak for saying yes, but i had been waiting for this moment for four years.
prom was great. we continued to be a "thing," but he was adamant about not dating. honestly, it made me feel worthless. he kept saying that we were a few months away from college, and college is all about a fresh start. high school girl friends shouldn't be dragged into that phase of your life.
now here comes turn number two. he did ask me out on graduation day, with a grain of salt. he said that he couldn't promise anything more than a summer relationship. i said yes, and that's how it all began.
we've been together for a little over two years now. i know that i've drawn him out to sound like the bad guy, but i wouldn't have liked him for so long if he was. he's a goofy genius. in high school he played every sport, was one of the top ten students, and was president of student council. he went on to go to college on a full ride scholarship, and will be finishing in three years with basically a 4.0. he is the smartest person i know.
but he is also one of the people that cares about me the most, right up their with the wife. he will do anything to make me happy, and deal with my craziness.
looking back the last two years have been great, but i also have my worries. i've only been with one person. i never gave anyone in high school a real chance, because i was too focused on one boy. i'm just scared that i don't know anything else. also, i feel like having a long distance boyfriend all my college career has taken away a little bit from my college experience.
would i go back to that moment where he pulled up to my car and asked me out? no. we have had so many amazing moments during the last two years. he is a person that i aspire to be like. he has morals, is a giver, loves to learn, pushes himself, and has an amazing, huge family. he has made me and continues to make me a better person.
i can't believe it all worked out with this kid. after four years of ups and downs, it finally happened. this post is already WAY too long, and i could easily double its length, but i have to stop at one point.
there you have it. i guess that's why love isn't that picture i found on google to me. love is not black and white.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
the bestfriend
it has been just over five hours, and i'm back. maybe i'm already addicted? maybe my mind is just overflowing? maybe its just new and exciting? let's go with all of the above.before i get into my issues, i think i need to go into detail about a few key players in my life. i want to start on a positive note, so i chose to go with my best friend. i'll just refer to her as my wife. i realize that i'm probably going to sound like a lesbian. i promise i'm not, but i do love this girl a whole lot.
i met her in junior high after a milkshake got dumped on one of the most popular girls in school. it was a perfect bonding moment. since then we have been inseparable. if anyone knows how to make me smile and be happy, it's this girl. i remember during my senior year of high school (2008-2009), the boy whom i had liked since freshman year really broke my heart. he had made me cry numerous times before, but this time was beyond those other times. this time i was an absolute mess. (i'm dating this boy now. go figure.) the wife picked me up and took me to the mall for the whole day, but it was so much more than shopping therapy that made me feel better. it was the the realization that no matter who broke my heart or how hard life pushed me i would always have this girl by my side. no one cares about me like she does. my biggest fear in life is love and caring about someone more than they love and care about me, and i am sure i will mention this over and over again. my wife never makes that fear a reality. when i'm with her everything is so straightforward and simple. she does things for me that no one else would ever consider doing.
the example that comes to mind involves my absolute hatred of birthdays. something always goes wrong on my birthday. it's cursed, and i guess i always try to set low expectations, so i don't get disappointed. so every year i try to maintain a low profile and expect absolutely nothing from anyone. my last birthday in november i had everything set up to have a low key birthday. i was going to sit in my room, watch tv, and maybe have a piece of cake. what could possibly go wrong? on a thursday night, after getting some sushi, i returned to my apartment opened the door, and honestly thought i entered the wrong apartment. "why are there streamers?" "what are these people doing on the couch?" "what is the wife doing 5 hours away from where she lives?" "WAIT, WHAT?" turns out i wasn't in the wrong apartment. she had traveled hours and planned a surprise party just for me. i had no idea that anyone would exert so much effort just to make me happy. my birthday curse was broken. that weekend was probably the best weekend of my entire sophomore year.
i could go on and on about this girl. she makes me laugh, cry, and let loose. she, as corny as this sounds, completes me. she's my best friend, and i'm so incredibly lucky. i know she will always be there for me, even 40 years down the road from now, even thousands of miles apart...
speaking of which she's leaving for australia in about three weeks for about five months. i think it finally just hit me. if i said i was okay right now i'd be flat out lying.
hello world :)
Lately I've been thinking nonstop. I know that I'm a very analytic person, but, simply put, this is just too much. My thoughts, anxieties, and feelings shouldn't be in control of me. I should be in control of them. A great friend suggested writing to me. Everything is worth a shot, so here I am.
First off, I'm not a good writer. I was that girl who got eliminated in the first round of the spelling bee, because she spelled honey h-u-n-n-y; I'm that person who used the synonym tool on Word to try to sound more intelligent; and I'm that student who never understood how she ended up in Honors English Literature in high school. I'm not trying to impress anyone with any skills I don't posses. I'm just here to get my thoughts out of my insanely packed mind. You don't have to read this. Actually, I don't know why I'm even putting this up on a blog instead of a private journal. It just felt right, and I'm trying to learn to trust my gut.
Secondly, I've always been a listener. People just come to me with their problems and let it all out, even if it takes hours. I would like to believe that people see me as patient, rational, and understanding, or maybe I've just always conveniently been there. Either way, I always hear people out. I hate burdening people with my issues, and, quiet frankly, 99% of people don't give a shit about your life. People are selfish. That's why I have always tried to keep my problems to myself. However, recently I started talking to a friend, let's call him Brad. I met Brad in August, 2010. I never really got a chance to get to know him for a few reasons that I'll end up mentioning sometime. Nonetheless, he's been a great listener from the get-go. Since I have been texting him, I realized that I can't go on bottling everything up. I need some outlet for all these thoughts. I hope this will be very therapeutic for me!
So here goes nothing...
First off, I'm not a good writer. I was that girl who got eliminated in the first round of the spelling bee, because she spelled honey h-u-n-n-y; I'm that person who used the synonym tool on Word to try to sound more intelligent; and I'm that student who never understood how she ended up in Honors English Literature in high school. I'm not trying to impress anyone with any skills I don't posses. I'm just here to get my thoughts out of my insanely packed mind. You don't have to read this. Actually, I don't know why I'm even putting this up on a blog instead of a private journal. It just felt right, and I'm trying to learn to trust my gut.
Secondly, I've always been a listener. People just come to me with their problems and let it all out, even if it takes hours. I would like to believe that people see me as patient, rational, and understanding, or maybe I've just always conveniently been there. Either way, I always hear people out. I hate burdening people with my issues, and, quiet frankly, 99% of people don't give a shit about your life. People are selfish. That's why I have always tried to keep my problems to myself. However, recently I started talking to a friend, let's call him Brad. I met Brad in August, 2010. I never really got a chance to get to know him for a few reasons that I'll end up mentioning sometime. Nonetheless, he's been a great listener from the get-go. Since I have been texting him, I realized that I can't go on bottling everything up. I need some outlet for all these thoughts. I hope this will be very therapeutic for me!
So here goes nothing...
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