the boyfriend

i googled "love," and this is the first picture that came up, followed by hundreds of hearts. is that what it is? standing under a red umbrella with someone while the rest of the world is black and white? this is way to idealistic for me. i think that's the problem these days. people base their ideas of what love is off of movies, posters, and tv shows that over simplify it.

actually, just a few days ago i was watching little manhattan , one of favorite movies. the story is basically about an eleven-year-old's first love. towards the end of the movie he says says,

 "Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there."

what's wrong with the "ridiculous little words?" i think he got it half right. not too bad for a boy. especially because we all know how boys mature so slowly than girls do!

i love my family. i love my friends. but the only person i've ever loved romantically is my boyfriend. i'll refer to him as big red. now this is a story that seriously could have been turned into a rom-com.

it all started my freshman year of high school when he would always tip me off my desk in geometry honors. it was just like elementary school flirting. we constantly made fun of and abused each other. i hadn't ever genuinely liked anyone until i met this kid.

things were going just great until the homecoming dance rolled around sophomore year. he went to the dance with a girl who was one year senior than he, and they ended up dating after  a few months. i was crushed. it's not that this girl was particularly beautiful or popular that made me feel like shit, it was that he had picked her over me. i clearly liked him and was available.

this pattern repeated itself over four years. he broke up with girl #1 after over a year, flirted with me for a bit, and went onto girl #2 (one that i found to be particularly unattractive) on the day of NHS initiation. i remember going to the ceremony feeling like shit. after eight months, girl #2 was gone, and i found another opportunity for me to prove myself. this time i really felt like things were going to work out. my hopes were so high, but, in this case, the higher you climb the harder you fall. when homecoming rolled around i thought i was a shoe in to be his date. not the case at all...

my friend asked him why he wouldn't ask me, and he said "i can't see myself doing anything with her." deuche.

this is where girl #3 comes in. she had been my best friend in eight grade, and junior year of high school the boy, she, and i were in a social studies class together. i told her all my feelings about him and how much i liked him.

somehow on homecoming dance night i found myself "sleeping" on a couch next to them at the after party while they hooked up all night. bitch.

match made in hell.

done. i told myself i was done, but you can't just tell yourself to stop liking someone. a few months later they dated for a whole whopping month. i tried so hard to not like him this time, but we started to flirt again, and this time more than ever before. i even remember the first time he held my hand.

prom was coming up. just about everyone went up to him and said "you have to ask sanjana!" simple, right? not in this story. apparently he had promised his best friend that he would take her to prom if she didn't find a date. all i could think was "if you liked me enough, you would ask me."

now the story takes another turn! april 22, the boy was hanging at my house with some other people, and out of no where he kissed me! "great, i'm going to get played again" is all i could think.

a week later, his bestfriend ended up finding a date, and he asked me to prom with a goofy poster. i felt so  weak for saying yes, but i had been waiting for this moment for four years.

prom was great. we continued to be a "thing," but he was adamant about not dating. honestly, it made me feel worthless. he kept saying that we were a few months away from college, and college is all about a fresh start. high school girl friends shouldn't be dragged into that phase of your life.

now here comes turn number two. he did ask me out on graduation day, with a grain of salt. he said that he couldn't promise anything more than a summer relationship.  i said yes, and that's how it all began.

we've been together for a little over two years now. i know that i've drawn him out to sound like the bad guy, but i wouldn't have liked him for so long if he was. he's a goofy genius. in high school he played every sport, was one of the top ten students, and was president of student council. he went on to go to college on a full ride scholarship, and will be finishing in three years with basically a 4.0. he is the smartest person i know.

but he is also one of the people that cares about me the most, right up their with the wife. he will do anything to make me happy, and deal with my craziness.

looking back the last two years have been great, but i also have my worries. i've only been with one person. i never gave anyone in high school a real chance, because i was too focused on one boy. i'm just scared that i don't know anything else. also, i feel like having a long distance boyfriend all my college career has taken away a little bit from my college experience.

would i go back to that moment where he pulled up to my car and asked me out? no. we have had so many amazing moments during the last two years. he is a person that i aspire to be like. he has morals, is a giver, loves to learn, pushes himself, and has an amazing, huge family. he has made me and continues to make me a better person.

i can't believe it all worked out with this kid. after four years of ups and downs, it finally happened. this post is already WAY too long, and i could easily double its length, but i have to stop at one point.

there you have it. i guess that's why love isn't that picture i found on google to me. love is not black and white.