& boys will be boys...

last night i did homework till one and then skyped my boyfriend. it was just fine, but after we skyped he started texting me and told me about how it bothers him when i joke around and say "you're not getting laid tonight!" when he does something weird or funny or w.e. to me it was just a joke. that's just my sense of humor, but i guess it bothered him a lot. anyway it became this weird argument and discussion. i said i was sorry and that i'd stop, but i also said there are going to be times when it's going to be hard for me to change. i'm just a goof and i say things without thinking, and he over analyzes everything i say.

for example i did 3 internship apps this friday, and he told me he did one, and he was like woah you're so good! i basically said i was half ass-ing them and that he was going slow and steady, meaning he was doing them more thoroughly. he didn't like that. he accused me of calling him slow and steady because he didn't have as many options. can't i just say things light-heartedly? that's a part of who i am.

anyway we made up, but i couldn't fall asleep till five. my guy friend im'ed me, and we ended up talking. it was blatently obvious that he was just horny, because everything he was saying to me was borderline dirty talk. he kept telling me how he "wished i was over so bad."

• Him

  • i just really do want u here damnit!
  • lol
• 8 hours ago

  Me

  • i see how it is! you wont hang out w me during daylight!
• 
  

  8 hours ago

  Him

  • hahaha i was busy all day u dweeb
  • weekend duh
  • gotta do stuff at night
• 8 hours ago

  Me

  • for three weeks!
• 8 hours ago

  Him

  • do work during the day
• 8 hours ago

  Me

  • yeah i used to fit into that equation once upon a time lol
• Him
  

  8 hours ago

  • ugh haha u know we're going to
  • 
• 8 hours ago

  Me

  • no worries

i feel like he only talks to me when he's horny or drunk. honestly, makes me feel shitty and worthless. what about caring about me as a friend? i treat my friends like gold, and how he treats me just isn't right. i deserve more than this.

girls will be girls

yes, i know it's only saturday night, but i really need to buckle down and get work done. i have so much to do, and i don't want my course load to take advantage of me. i've tried to start doing my homework, but i just have too much on my mind, so i figured that if i let it all out i'll be able to focus. here's a recap of my last few days

thursday: i have THREE career fairs, but i secretly like networking. everyone has to be nice to each other. everyone is on their best behavior. everyone is FAKE, but it's kind of awesome. it's like the ideal world. it keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of things. i really hope i get an awesome internship for next summer. my top three chocies are 1) deloitte 2) p&g 3) either target or cardinal health. i hope i get one of those. i do work really hard.

friday: i had another career fair. i came back and relaxed. two of my roommates, let's call them meg & paula have become really close, because me and my fourth roommate michelle have been so busy. michelle went home this weekend, so it's just been the three of us. meg & paula have been kind of cliqueish because they've spent some time together. it's really awkward trying to fit in.

w.e. anyways we ended up having a little get together. my friend david came over. i hadn't seen him since last thursday. it was just like last year. we were flirty and touchy. ugh just such a mess. by midnight we were almost sober. we went down to the second floor of my building to see the pool table and it was just us two for the first time in months. we laughed and messed around  and it felt so right. then my friend called me from my apartment and made us come back. he texted me right after he left for the night around 1:30 and we texted till 4:00. paula got  pretty smashed. it was slightly amusing, because the rest of us were pretty sober. haha

saturday: today's been chill. our friend from high school was over. we grabbed some food and then decided to go to the dollar store, because meg & paula wanted to buy puzzles. i thought we were going to do them together, but they started buying them in pairs and talking in inside secrets. it was just awkward and made me feel like i didn't belong. i know they probably don't know they're doing it.

now here i am. it's hw time. woo woo.

alone in a crowded room

i guess this three day weekend is coming to an end. overall, it was good & it was bad. i constantly had people over, but for some reason i just feel so alone. i feel like all the relationships i have here are just very light hearted. i miss my parents. i miss my boyfriend. i miss having my guy friend be my best friend. mostly i miss my wife. she ACTUALLY listened to me. very few people care about what you have to say. i have been talking to people, but i feel like i'm either hassling them or it's just in one in and out the other.


i want to cuddle. i want to have girl talk. i want a best friend. i want to have someone here who truly cares about me. maybe that's just too much to ask for sometimes.


oh! although my boyfriend did something very cute...

the fourth to last and last comment were from one of his high school teachers. sweet, huh? when i think about my boyfriend i just smile. and that's how someone you love should make you feel, right?


i really like this quote:


"What we have is a great love. It's complicated. Intense. All-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in. What's mere happiness in the face of all that, right?"


i don't know how i feel about that question. my relationship with my boyfriend is very easy, but that isn't to say we haven't gone though our hardships. at the same time, i don't know if it's a "great" love. sometimes i just feel like were really close friends. i guess it's normal for passion to fade after a few years. i mean the friendship piece is more important in the end. sometimes i used to think with my guy friend i could have had a more "intense" love, but clearly now that he's "over me" i'm not worth his time or effort as much. our friendship wasn't that strong. 


maybe all loves start out as "great" loves that are all-consuming and then mellow out to be happy, light loves. i mean, having a "great" love all the time would be way too emotionally exhausted.


who knows? not me! i'm only 20 years old kid, right?

true story

long weekend

first weekend of school = a 5 day weekend. WHAT?

here's the low down.

friday: i went to career fair in 100 degree weather. i love networking an talking to recruiters. i hope i can get an awesome internship for next summer. but seriously being outside for over an hour was torture. we were all melting, but i'm happy i went!

then i came back and chilled and went on a "fake" date with my roomie, her friend fernando, and our other friend "ryan". it was actually a really good time! we went to get thai food and ice cream. i enjoyed everyone's company.

we came back, and one of my roommates was throwing a party. to be honest with you i don't party a lot. i'm a pretty responsible drinker and i know my limits. i drank a little and had fun. my guy friend came over to the party. i was trying to give him his space and just was having fun talking to everyone! then ryan got sick and was in the bathroom. my guy friend and i sat in there with him. everything felt like the good old times. we chatted and then he started pour water bottles on each other. at one point he dumped half a bottle on me, so i just decided to press up on him and get him soaked too. it ended up turning into that hug that i had been wanting for so long. we went back to sitting on the ground, and it hit me then. we can't keep doing this. it's too hard on me and it's too hard on him. my eyes started watering. i tried to make it stop but i couldn't help it i turned my head away from him and just sat there. i know he could tell i was hurting, because he put his arms around me. his friend woke up a little bit later and he left.

i texted him that i missed him and cared about him and just felt lost...and that i had his hat. while i was asleep he sent me FOURTEEN text messages. they were mostly accusing me of trying to make him jealous by talking to people at the party and hanging out all the time with his apartment-mate ryan.

what?!

he had told me he wanted his space, so i thought i'd give it to him and be social with others. in no way was i trying to make him jealous. and i would NEVER use ryan to make him jealous. i really enjoy ryan. he respects me as a friend, and we have awesome intelligent conversations with each other. i don't do mind games like that.

he also told me he missed me and cared about me.

i texted him back a bunch of stuff. basically, that i wasn't trying to get a "reaction/rise" out of him or playing any jealousy games, and a few other things.

i didn't really sleep that night. i got out of bed that morning and did some kenpo and ab ripper x (i love p90x and tony horton is hot!). despite getting only 2 hours of sleep i felt pretty good. i had a productive day.

then ryan and my guy friend came over to make dinner and watch a movie. ryan made dinner. we ate, and then hung out for a little. then they left. my guy friend ended up messaging me on facebook. we had a discussion  and i think we finally came to some sort of resolution. i guess i realized that i still like him a little, although i can put this aside, because i care about him so much as a friend. at this point, i'm hoping for the best and expecting the worse.

i miss my best frand! i hope you're having an awesome time in the outback with the aboriginees. ily. keep your fingers crossed for me :)

pretty girl

this song succinctly summarizes how i felt/feel about what i wrote about in my last post.

facing your fears

i haven't written for awhile. i keep tying to think of excuses for why i haven't written. here's what i got:

i'm busy with work
i'm busy packing
i'm busy moving in
i'm busy with school

but then i realized what it honestly was. i don't want to deal with taking the time to organize and write down my emotions and thoughts and acknowledge what happened to my relationship with my guy friend.

it's crumbed. there i said it.

one day he stopped texting me and then didn't text me back for three weeks. then when i got back to college he didn't even come see me the day i got back. i basically had to beg him to come see me the next night. we barely talked. it was civil.

i texted him that i missed hanging out/being goofy/ and chatting with my best friend. he texted me back 4 hours later saying he was reading. really?

finally we started im'ing. this is where i felt like i was stabbed with a knife:
Me:

• • i just want my best friend back honestly
  • i miss you, but i dont know what what you want from me. it's kind of been eating away at me
  • i miss looking at houses with you. i miss wrestling with you. i miss watching jersey shore with you.
  • i miss making fun of fat people with you. i miss psuedo-studying with you.
  • and maybe i shouldn't have said any of that, but it's true.
  • no comment to that?
• Him:
  

  Yesterday

  • im not sure what you want me to do?

he basically went on to say he was over me and blame me for things that happened this summer, and conclude with the fact that we could hanging out, but just not like last year.

we started talking like normal again and that's when the cherry was placed on the top.

i was a bit shaken up and crying from the ordeal. i asked him for one thing, a hug. i even said i would walk over and not say a word. he couldn't even give me that. a simple 5 second hug. he let me sit outside alone for thirty minutes. last year he wouldn't even let me walk alone anywhere at night.

to my best friend, i'm not an option. i'm a priority. so clearly we are no longer best friends.

the hardest pill to swallow is that my roommate was right all along. our friendship was the most important thing to me, but his intentions were the most important thing to him. once he was "over me" a friendship wasn't worth the time.

the past few days had been rough. i was having nightmares about it, but what can i do? i can realize what an amazing friend i was to him. i brought him soup and made him chocolate covered strawberries when he was sick. i made him hot coco when he came back from a cold night. i made him dinner and shared my favorite movie with him. i sent him a birthday present. i invited him over to my house, cooked dinner for him, and let him sit with my family. i wrote him numerous letters and made him many friendship bracelets. what i regret the though, is that i always let him push me physically. that's the reason this hurts the most. sometimes i would cry right in front of him, because it made me feel so uncomfortable, but he continued to do it. i kept telling myself, my roommate, and boyfriend that he was still a good person, but in retrospect a good person wouldn't hurt someone they loved or cared about they way he did. sometimes, even an outfit i wore one of those nights brings back painful and shameful memories. i'll never be able to escape those moments or forget about them.

this is something he messaged me in november 2009:

"i wouldn’t forget you if i didn’t see you for several years [my name]... uve done things to me that have never been done to me before, challenged me in ways I’ve never been challenged before. ive never felt so close to a girl so quickly and become so comfortable around her and appreciated someone so much so quickly... i wouldn’t forget you

okay... ive been trying and trying to keep from saying this, but i like you so so much [my name]... i HATE putting myself in this vulnerable position, especially given the circumstance, but i just have to let you know. i tell you a lot... but i seriously like you more than you understand. not to be creepy, but i am always thinking about you. And i promise you i wouldnt forget you no matter what. it honestly makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about not seeing you for so long.. cuz i hate not seeing you after only a few days

this honestly really scares me... im so rarely scared and feeling like this, but i dont even know what to do.. i cant help it. and i like you more and more all the time, with you or not."

how could he have said all these things and then sudden change his mind in one month? 

the obvious answer is that he's changed. he even said that when i spoke to him last night. he's changed. if one things going to make this hurt less, it's that. this isn't the same guy who i was best friends with last year. this is a whole new person.

at least know i know who he is and where we stand. i'm proud of the person who i am, the things i say, the the actions i take. that's the best anyone can do. here's to making new friends and great success. you need a little bad in your life sometimes to see the good.